Your Results
The top score on the list below represents the faith that Belief-O-Matic, in its less than infinite wisdom, thinks most closely matches your beliefs. However, even a score of 100% does not mean that your views are all shared by this faith, or vice versa.

Belief-O-Matic then lists another 26 faiths in order of how much they have in common with your professed beliefs. The higher a faith appears on this list, the more closely it aligns with your thinking.

How did the Belief-O-Matic do? Discuss your results on our message boards.

1. Neo-Pagan (100%)
2. New Age (99%)
3. Unitarian Universalism (98%)
4. Mahayana Buddhism (91%)
5. Liberal Quakers (89%)
6. Theravada Buddhism (82%)
7. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (82%)
8. New Thought (67%)
9. Taoism (64%)
10. Reform Judaism (63%)
11. Secular Humanism (63%)
12. Hinduism (61%)
13. Sikhism (60%)
14. Scientology (58%)
15. Jainism (58%)
16. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (52%)
17. Baha'i Faith (46%)
18. Orthodox Quaker (39%)
19. Nontheist (32%)
20. Orthodox Judaism (28%)
21. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (24%)
22. Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (20%)
23. Islam (20%)
24. Seventh Day Adventist (19%)
25. Jehovah's Witness (17%)
26. Eastern Orthodox (16%)
27. Roman Catholic (16%)

what if this is as good as it gets?

So, I have come to the conclusion that I'm simply not ment to be still.

Now, don't take me the wrong way; I have cultivated a way of life that allows me peace and stability and I'm not going to sacrifice those things.

But I've been to sedentary. It has occured to me that I shine my brightest when I am active. I haven't played sports or done martial arts in forever, but I was happy in those things. I haven't acted in years. My current LARP character spends more than half the night sitting and looming and brooding.

And so, I will do something active. Something new. I will let my brightness shine through.

First step, figure out something to do. I'm thinking i might ACTUALLY learn how to play the guitar. For serious this time. I happen to know a musician or two, one of which is actually reputable. He has agreed to mentor me, and I'm looking forward to it.

Think i'll take up parkour as well. it'll give me something to do when i'm sick of practicing the guitar.

Date:	2008-12-22 08:29
Subject:	Life, Death, Yule, Endings, Beginnings
Security:	Public
Mood:	contemplative

This last month or so has been rather interesting for me. Growing dissonance regarding my life lead to some understanding and a lot of introspection.

A main issue of mine has been my conflicting desires regarding where I want my life to go. This has been paralleled by my desires regarding a relationship.

I'm someone who abhors the concept of banality. I like to have random elements in my life, I like doing things that aren't "normal" and I like the fact that I can say I have done some really random shit.

My fear has been that, in trying to gain security to live life the way I want, I'm not able to go about the process of living life the way i want.

In that vein...

A couple weeks ago I was talking to my buddy Josh, and he mentions that his dad needs to be picked up from Vegas on a following Sunday. So we make plans to go, get time off work, etc. Then, a few days before we're set to leave, Josh' mom informs him that she's gonna go pick up the old man. So we're left with a three day weekend and a budget and no objective. So what do we do? We make one.

Saturday evening we head out of Monterey towards Capitola. We have a nice dinner at a steakhouse a literal stone's throw from the beach. Great calamari and clam chowder, a nice waitress that Josh involved in our debate on moral relativism. (Josh is more of a moral absolutist, or so he says).

After dinner, desert, and a couple drinks, we meandered around Capitola. On our way to the beach I saw a shooting star and thought of someone. We went to Santa Cruz after that, cruising down the street and paying a street performer that was singing Beatles songs with a joie de vivre that made the world a little brighter. I got a couple of Christmas presents, and after a quick stop at a pub we were on the way to a hotel. There was moonshine involved.

At the continental breakfast the next day I sat next to a german couple, 20 somethings. I had no idea what they were saying, but it was nice to hear them speak. Also nearby was an elderly italian couple. Pretty cosmopolitan for a Comfort Inn.

The next morning we (eventually) got on the road and went to the Winchester Mystery House. This was my second time taking the house tour, the first time taking the behind the scenes tour. It was a good experience, though I’m sorry to say I didn’t get any ghostly scenes from the long dead Mrs. Winchester. We did, however, give Zelda the Fortune Teller machine $.50 and she gave me a fortune:

“Did you see the falling star?
Did you make a wish?

A new beginning may be in your future. You have a very romantic disposition and you will soon find the world holds great happiness for you. Keep your sense of humor.
Your lucky color is blue.

Play again and I will tell you more

Lucky Numbers:
6, 14, 19, 23, 27, 42”

After our tour we meandered to our next stop, Hotel Charlotte in Groveland. The snow started just as we were going up the mountain. First snow of the year. We found the Hotel and were treated to a free buffet dinner (there was a group in there before us and we were the only guests that evening, so they didn’t want to go through the process of getting the kitchen going again). The food was good, and we enjoyed some wine with it. Speaking of Wine… they have a tradition on Sundays called “Emptying the Cellar” wherein they have reduced prices on all or most of their wine. We talked to the manager about the ghost story in the room we had booked (room 6) that was haunted by the founder, Charlotte. We spent the rest of the evening playing Gin Rummy with the manager and the cook (who are married) and drinking 5 bottles of wine. A family from Oregon came through and we ended up singing Christmas carols in the parlor as the wife/mother of that family played on the piano. That evening Josh puked on my pants. I mention it because I told him I would (and it dominated conversation the next day).

We drove back to Monterey very hung-over, and then I got back to Oroville around 10 pm. The next day was business as normal.

I had a great time on the trip, and being drunk in the parlor of Hotel Charlotte with Josh, I felt genuine happiness, like all was right with the world.

Last Thursday I went to meditation again, brought another friend with me. It was mainly new people, so the leader of the ceremony spoke a bit on how things worked, and the actual “lesson” or talking after the ceremony was regarding death and endings, and how they can be a part of the healing process.

Friday evening I have a long car ride down to Berkeley with yet another friend of mine. We end up talking about life, our goals, and our satisfaction with existence as a whole. Over the course of the discussion he points out a few things, most notably being that I’m at odds with myself when it comes to what I want.

The next evening, my father has a heart attack. I find out Sunday morning and visit him in the hospital. It’s drizzling and the sky is depressingly grey, but my dad is in good spirits, considering, and he looks normal as he lay in the hospital bed, save for the tubes and monitors and millions of wires hooked up to him. He’s doing well and should be back home tonight.

I reflect on this today, Yule, the shortest day of the year and the day that the sun finishes off its parabola and starts rising earlier again. Today is a day of death and rebirth, endings and beginnings, and holds a spiritual significance to dirty pagans like myself.

To stagnate in life is to die, and a house divided against itself cannot stand. I may want to continue living life carefree as I was when I was 16, but I think that I can get what I need in that department and still live harmoniously with my other drive, that for stability and security.

The truth is I want to settle, and I want to settle on my own terms. I want my dad to have a grandchild to meet before anything else happens to him.

I have reconciled some drives in my life and I think that, rather than working against eachother, they can be combined into something better. I think I might just be an adult now.

To hell with the Gregorian calendar. Happy New Year, everyone.

"Merry Christmas John, your father is in the Hospital following a heart attack last night."

Date:	2008-11-27 18:52
Subject:	thanksgiving
Security:	Public
Mood:	annoyed

ahhh thanksgiving with my family. let's take a few highlights, shall we?

Cousin's husband: "Heya, how's Ti?" then i get to mention that we broke up.

Mom: "So how are things with that girl you told me about?" then i get to mention that she's only interested in friendship.

cousin i never got along with: "I'm pregnant." then it is THE subject of conversation for the next hour.

alcoholic sister: "Let's celebrate! where's the champagne?"

family as a whole: "John Christian," i shudder at the use of the hated name, "there's no more room at the big table, go ahead and sit at the kiddy table."

so i was the first to leave. Didn't say much.

what am I thankful for? Being around family makes it painfully obvious. While i may feel like my friends don't really get me sometimes, they sure as hell get me more than my family does.

Oh and Ti, Ernesto says "hi."

Date:	2008-11-21 09:53
Subject:	So that's done then.
Security:	Public
Mood:	contemplative

So I went to the Dharma Center yesterday. This is a place in Chico that embraces the Buddhist lifestyle. Also, it's not too far from where I work. It's kind of hidden away, though, so that when I followed the directions to get there I ended up coming to the back parking lot, and it looks very much like a house (which it is, though it's in the same zoning as my office as well). At any rate, I was eventually able to discover that I had, in fact, found the right place.

I met some of the people and spoke with them a bit, not about anything too heavy, just a "Hi, how are you, so this is what we do here..." kind of thing, and then the meditation got started.

Incense, statues of Buddha, candles, pads to sit on, and a bowl that is rung at various points throughout the meditation... it was good to sit, free of distraction, and just let the thoughts come and go. I was able to stop feeling crappy, as I had been the past several days, and once again achieve the mindset of DFM. Sure, I'm still very lonely and still want someone to be intimate with, but the need for it is gone, and the disappointment in not having it is gone.

Reaching equilibrium raises some other issues though… I mean, it seems like a good place to be, for sure, but a life without desire is a life without drive, and a life without pain is a life without meaning. Emotional equilibrium seems like a way of hiding from pain, because if you don’t have desires to be foiled then you won’t be hurt when they are. This seems like a weakness to me. Anyway, I don’t want equilibrium, I want happiness, and I’m willing to do what it takes to get it, and to suffer what needs to be suffered, so long as I know that the chase isn’t a futile one…

taken at http://www.goldinuniverse.com/default.asp

Name: John
Date: 11/19/2008
Colorgenics Number: 27315046


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You are trying to prove to others that nothing can really affect you. You are pretending to be stoical - indifferent to pain or pleasure and indeed even superior to any form of weakness. As a result, more often than not, you unfortunately act with undue harshness or severity by adopting an autocratic and self-willed attitude.

Being a likeable person you get on well with neighbours and friends. You don't need anything to 'Rock your boat'. You want to 'love' and to be loved'.

Loneliness is soul destroying and at this time you feel lost and lonely, perhaps it is because you feel so frustrated that you are prepared to go out of your way to become emotionally involved with someone who could accept you for what you are. You are egocentric, antagonistic and quick to take offence, although it must be said, you can control your pent-up up emotion and thus avoid open conflict.

You are pretending that the situation around you doesn't matter, but the effort of trying to conceal your emotions and anxieties is resulting in untold stress. The existing situation is disagreeable. You feel unwanted and lonely and you would really like to associate with someone whose ideals are as high as your own. You want to be above the standard of mediocrity and this need to be needed and that need to need has almost become an obsession. You are trying to magnify the need into a compelling urge. You would really like to tell the world how great you are but no, you are holding back because you feel that your peers may treat you with contempt. This is a great pity because you have in fact a unique quality of character, but the continual restraint that you impose on yourself makes you suppress this need for others and you pretend you don't really care. You treat those who criticise you with contempt. However, to be honest, beneath this assumption of indifference you really long for the approval and esteem of others.

You need to be respected as an exceptional individual. This is the only way that you can hope to achieve the status that you wish to achieve. You set yourself very high standards - and come what may - you abide by them.

so, I was going to start this post off with "People ask me what it was like to be in Kuwait..." but they don't, so that would be an outright fabrication.

But if they did, and I could answer them in comic strip form, nothing could really sum up the psychological experience of that kind of situation than todays xkcd. Reposted for your convenience.

Date:	2008-10-14 22:49
Subject:	The Night Air...
Security:	Public
Mood:	calm
Music:	Pink Floyd - Shine On You Crazy Diamond

went out for a walk tonight, that was nice. It was very quiet out, and one had the effect of being able to hear things a long way off because of the stillness of the air. The temperature was perfect at 64 degrees; crisp, but not so cold that I was uncomfortable in a t-shirt. I much prefer cities at night, when you can't really tell that anyone lives in them.

And now, I sleep. Gotta wake up early tomorrow, lots of stuff to do...

Date:	2008-10-04 18:47
Subject:	Rebirth
Security:	Public
Mood:	enthralled
Music:	Pink Floyd - Learning to Fly

The first rain of the season fell yesterday. Last year's rain was hit or miss, a light drizzle here and there. This rain came down steadily for hours. I could smell it in the morning as the pregnant clouds meandered in from the west. The nights have been coming earlier and earlier. It always amazes me how quickly the transition past the equinox is.

I prefer the outside when the streets are slick and cool. The sound of cars driving through millimeters of rain that hasn't run off the side of the road yet, the crisp quality of the air that makes it something you can feel, rather than simply exist in... the air has a presence.

New position at work. New season. New rain... and today, a feeling of rebirth. I've got a feeling that there are more changes in the pipeline, and I look forward to them. When life seems stagnant, the movement, the growth, is invigorating.

I think I've got the opposite of Seasonal Affective Disorder. I consistently get depressed around July and stay that way till fall is in full swing.

Ah well. Let it rain.

Edit: Holy shit

Date:	2008-10-02 22:05
Subject:	Huzzah!
Security:	Public
Mood:	accomplished

Quick update...

I got the training position at work! It was rather awesome. After the email announcement I got about 20 different people saying "congratulations" to me and i'm getting a bigger desk/cube thing and i'm now responsible for molding the minds of the next group of new hires.

Buahahaha. *insert evil plotting hand gestures here*

Date:	2008-09-30 15:05
Subject:	Fun pics
Security:	Public
Mood:	amused

These are some pics salvaged from the computer at work

Patron:








aaaaaaaaaaand the Segway Viking that roams the cubicles at my work....

The thought that I will never have a badass theme song, like Sephiroth's "One Winged Angel," makes me sad.

I'm sick of having nothing new to bitch about.

Seriously.

OK, so here's the thing. Those of you who have, like me, read the first part of Catch 22 after getting it from a girl you felt up on a hippy bus in your teens while traveling the pacific north west and learning the tenants of the Bhagavad Gita, before losing said book and forgetting about it for years, will remember the bloke who wanted nothing more than to be bored, because it made time go slower and thus made life seem longer.

This character was funny because of the obvious illogic of his line of thinking, i.e., what is worth living about a life filled with boredom?

I feel like a hypocrite, because I'm not living life at the moment, I'm erring on the side of caution and stability. But I'm doing so, ostensibly, for greater freedom and experience in the future. Of course, even this clashes with my cries of Carpe Diem, that each moment should be lived to its fullest, that each day should be lived as though it were the last. The frustrating thing is, though, that life cannot be realistically lived that way. Existence as it is in our culture is filled with responsibility, and that responsibility chafes. Maybe life isn't SUPPOSED to start till 40.

There's a terrifying thought.

I'm sick of needing to be responsible, but worse, i'm sick of being sick of needing to responsible. The way I see it, I have two options: Be irresponsible, or be content with being responsible.

Not gonna be content with it; that would require killing off a large part of myself and would make the whole thing a moot point. So really, this leaves the option of being irresponsible. Not much of an option for the long term though.

So, the conclusion? Measured amounts of irresponsibility.

Responsible amounts of irresponsibility.

...

Fucking Catch 22.

Date:	2008-09-23 19:46
Subject:	Tuesday's gone...
Security:	Public
Mood:	discontent
Music:	Placebo - Every You, Every Me

Sigh... my motivation to do anything worth a damn is completely sapped today. I'm microwaving some soup, and i'll spend the foreseeable remainder of the evening watching something like Twilight Zone and just turning my brain off. I'm getting more and more convinced that I need a vacation. Not because i'm particularly busy at the moment- training has died down now that the new hires are integrated, and there's a bit of a break till the next group comes through. I'm going to be focusing on my ACTUAL job for the next few days, which, since i've been busy doing everything else in the division, should put some numbers behind how awesome I am. Which will be good, because that way even if I don't get the official trainer position I'm dying to get, I'll at least have an argument for getting a raise in my current position. Yaye for now!

But anyway, it's not work that makes me think I need a vacation, it's that I haven't been... still... in a long time. I haven't gone on long midnight walks, i haven't sat down and played a video game for an obscene amount of time... I haven't wasted time. I'm really good at that wasting time thing. I kinda miss it.

And when was the last time I pulled an all-nighter? seriously?! I need to go 36 hours without sleep. At least.

And I need to do something mischievous.


Any suggestions?

Date:	2008-09-21 17:04
Subject:	making stew
Security:	Public
Mood:	content

I am making yummy delicious stew.

This is my Stew Mark 2. The first batch was alright, but I have made some modifications. The potatoes have been cut smaller this time, though not much smaller since my roommate likes them large. I have used half the amount of carrots as I did previously, and the onions.... oh the onions. In addition to using more (two small white onions rather than one large one), i started cooking the onions just after browning the meat (inheriting some of the meat and the oil it was cooked in, as well as the seasoning and garlic salt), and threw in some more olive oil, and cooked them on low heat as i chopped up and added the rest of the ingredients. This slow cooking let them caramelize rather than cook, so they kept their flavor but turned soft and sweet, a golden brown with some cooked corners.

The meat, like i said before, was two and a half pounds of stew meat seasoned with seasoning salt and garlic salt. after browning in olive oil, it was put in the pot and covered in roughly 2 cups of Sierra Nevada pale ale, which i put on low, low heat.

the 4 potatoes were next, cubed, stirring the onions between each batch of potato added to the pot. half a bag of baby carrots, cut down to size. I added 5 cups of water and two tablespoons of Better Than Bullion, beef flavor, and topped it off with my now nicely caramelized onions. After the first couple hours of cooking, i'll add another cup of water with some corn startch to make it nice and thick, but only before eating some tonight. I'll let it simmer all tonight and throw it in a container just before bed. I'll probably eat it over rice.

who wants some? :D


Edit! Stew in progress!

So I'm finally crystalizing my otherwise random life into a schedule, controlling the process into one of growth that I can direct. I've got my budget worked out so that i should be able to pull into a steady financial climb within a month. I'm working out a... not a diet, per say, but i'm going to be making sure i'm eating breakfast, lunch, and dinner instead of just one or two meals a day, i'm moving the bowflex to the computer room and setting it up so i'll be more likely to actually use it, and making a list of things to get that my house needs (actual furniture instead of fold-away crap, etc).

The question i find myself asking is, "To what end?" The last time I had a schedule that I adhered to, it was in Kuwait, when my goal was to last the year with sanity intact and make the time pass more quickly. I probably slept an average of 12 hours a day in the Kuwait when I really got myself going. 14 on some good days.

But here, now, I don't really have a time limit, except retirement. And this is not how i'm going to spend my life until retirement. One should work to live, rather than be forced to live to work. I want to streamline my life so I can pursue the humanities... I want to make wine, write stories, cook, educate myself and others. I want to act, I want to be a connoisseur, a renaissance man of the 21st century.

Also, I want to pursue my growth as a person, both in relation to myself and in relation to others. When I tried to live in Berkeley for a while, one of the few things I got that wasn't a necessity was a card, printed on 100% post-consumer waste recycled paper with vegetable-based inks, with 5% of profits donated to environmental and community groups, which read, "Warriorship is a continual journey. To be a warrior is to learn to be Genuine in every moment of your Life." This card has survived innumerable purges in its time, and has always been displayed in some capacity with me. It's a lot harder than it sounds to be consistently genuine. Even with other people, being genuine is nearly impossible. Our society demands politeness, little white lies, etc, for everyone to get along. Further, being genuine means having the courage to deal with reality, both socially and with one's self. What I mean is, letting people know where you stand is difficult. Being honest with yourself and letting you know where you stand is just as difficult, if not more so.

I enjoy my job, but I am afraid that I am not doing enough at work, so I pour myself into it. I take on too much responsibility and stress myself out. When I'm at home, I'm loathe to go out and do things. When i don't have someone around, be it Barb or Ryan, and the house is empty, i find myself wondering what to do. I feel like i'm not justified in calling myself bored anymore, as I have a million more ways to entertain myself here than I did in Kuwait.

But I need to get more out of life. I spend the time when I am alone looking for ways to improve my life. I improve my home, I try to learn new things, I change some aspect of my life where i find issue... most of the time these have been short-term changes, but they are recurring enough that progress is still made.

So what am I doing it for? I want to get in shape because I feel better when I'm fit, but also because I don't feel that I am attractive currently. I like the way I feel when I'm in training, when I am able to perform athletic or martial feats without difficulty. Much of my social "power" comes from confidence, and my age and weight are the biggest detractor of that confidence right now. Since I can't exactly turn time back, I may as well focus on being healthy again.

Finances are another part of my life that I find myself aching to improve. I'm in too much debt, and I'm still living month to month. I long for freedom, but it's expensive, and financial freedom has to come from planning and temperance. With discipline and luck, by my birthday I want to be debt free, not including car and house. This means putting about $200/mo towards my two credit lines. Then, I build up savings and work off the car, all while, of course, paying on my mortgage. Once I get about $6,000 in savings, I will improve my house. This should be in roughly 5 years, the way i figure it in my head, but being that far in the black will be damned liberating.

Lastly, my love life... I find myself facing the same question i've been faced with before, but with more urgency. Do I pursue? Should I allow myself to be involved in sexual situations without real emotion? Do I deny myself contact, or do I give in to temptation, even though it's essentially a lie? Even if it's mutually casual, it feels like i'm using someone if there is no emotional attachment, and I will not let that happen again. Am I ready to settle down? I don't know. I guess that depends on the woman.

In the meantime... I await the next step, and do what I can until it's shown to me.

So, life. Let's see where I am, shall we?

Last August 13th I started work for Improvement Direct. It is an internet company that sells home improvement products. It's based in Chico, and has grown in the 8 or so years since its inception to a multi-million dollar company. There are a lot of good people that work there, and I'm rather fond of it. For the first time in a while, I've got a job that I don't actively dislike.

Work has always been a kind of penance, as far as I'm concerned. Something that must be done in order to enjoy the freedom of what one does when one is not working. Ironic part being that work often demands so much attention that it leaves little time for other things. That's life for you.

At this job, I at least feel like i'm working towards something. I feel that my financial situation is improving, slowly but surely, and the light at the end of the financial tunnel is within my reach. Whether or not it really is, it feels that way.

Work takes up so much time, though, and my finances are so tight because of my expenses, that i feel like my life is, at this point, an investment. Life as it is now is not how I want my life to be, but it's not a bad point in my life. I do feel like i'm accomplishing something that will bring me great joy later, but it's rare that I get to say "carpe diem" and live life as I wish I could.

I'm investing in something. I just hope I get a good return.

...

In other news, I'm really not good at the whole "single" thing. Affection, and the expression of that affection, are too important to me, especially at a point in my life where so much else is sacrificed for survival's sake, to go without. It's a flaw I've tried to overcome, but the fact of the matter is I can't exist as an emotional hermit. I may not express a lot of things outwardly, but the people that I care about matter a great deal to me (he stated somewhat redundantly), and to my happiness. I feel very alone right now, and while I should have the strength to be independent, I don't. I can somewhat stoically not allow my loneliness to drive me to take actions that are hurtful to others, actions i would regret later, but I can't be happy on my own.

I think that's really the crux of the matter. When I was my most hurtful, most inconsiderate of the feelings of others, I was also my loneliest and most depressed, even though I had friends and lovers who cared a great deal about my well-being. Through my depression and my selfish actions, I hurt those people, a great deal of which will now no longer speak to me. And really, I can't blame them, at all. I can only ask forgiveness.

I don't want loneliness to do this to me again. I don't want to reach out to others to stabilize me just so I don't fall. But it's so, so hard to walk alone.

I don't really have any answers. It seems like, if I don't use others to fill the hole it will grow and consume me, but if I do, then I will bring about pain, frustration, etc in others. I will recreate mistakes of the past that embodied the worst period of my life, all in the name of love and passion.

I want to love and be loved by an equal, willing participant. But I also want to not NEED to love and be loved by an equal, willing participant.

I think I need some kind of Catharsis. I need to find something to express the churning thoughts and desires in the recesses. Maybe it will be art of some kind. Maybe I'll take up writing again, and finally finish my Book. Maybe i'll learn to play the guitar I bought with the training manual and video. Maybe I'll take up some kind of craft and learn to build something, or make beer. Maybe I'll start working out again.

I don't really know if I'll be able to do any of that for long. If my desire to do them is based on a temporary emotion, then I will only be able to do them while so motivated. That's why I haven't written anything for my book in so long- I was only able to write in it while i was depressed, and I haven't felt the requisite depression for it in a long time.

I will find something, I'm sure. But I must maintain perspective. I don't want to repeat the same mistakes I've made before. I must endeavor to only make new mistakes.

I remain,
Stray

Still existing. woot.