This last month or so has been rather interesting for me. Growing dissonance regarding my life lead to some understanding and a lot of introspection.

A main issue of mine has been my conflicting desires regarding where I want my life to go. This has been paralleled by my desires regarding a relationship.

I'm someone who abhors the concept of banality. I like to have random elements in my life, I like doing things that aren't "normal" and I like the fact that I can say I have done some really random shit.

My fear has been that, in trying to gain security to live life the way I want, I'm not able to go about the process of living life the way i want.

In that vein...

A couple weeks ago I was talking to my buddy Josh, and he mentions that his dad needs to be picked up from Vegas on a following Sunday. So we make plans to go, get time off work, etc. Then, a few days before we're set to leave, Josh' mom informs him that she's gonna go pick up the old man. So we're left with a three day weekend and a budget and no objective. So what do we do? We make one.

Saturday evening we head out of Monterey towards Capitola. We have a nice dinner at a steakhouse a literal stone's throw from the beach. Great calamari and clam chowder, a nice waitress that Josh involved in our debate on moral relativism. (Josh is more of a moral absolutist, or so he says).

After dinner, desert, and a couple drinks, we meandered around Capitola. On our way to the beach I saw a shooting star and thought of someone. We went to Santa Cruz after that, cruising down the street and paying a street performer that was singing Beatles songs with a joie de vivre that made the world a little brighter. I got a couple of Christmas presents, and after a quick stop at a pub we were on the way to a hotel. There was moonshine involved.

At the continental breakfast the next day I sat next to a german couple, 20 somethings. I had no idea what they were saying, but it was nice to hear them speak. Also nearby was an elderly italian couple. Pretty cosmopolitan for a Comfort Inn.

The next morning we (eventually) got on the road and went to the Winchester Mystery House. This was my second time taking the house tour, the first time taking the behind the scenes tour. It was a good experience, though I’m sorry to say I didn’t get any ghostly scenes from the long dead Mrs. Winchester. We did, however, give Zelda the Fortune Teller machine $.50 and she gave me a fortune:

“Did you see the falling star?
Did you make a wish?

A new beginning may be in your future. You have a very romantic disposition and you will soon find the world holds great happiness for you. Keep your sense of humor.
Your lucky color is blue.

Play again and I will tell you more

Lucky Numbers:
6, 14, 19, 23, 27, 42”

After our tour we meandered to our next stop, Hotel Charlotte in Groveland. The snow started just as we were going up the mountain. First snow of the year. We found the Hotel and were treated to a free buffet dinner (there was a group in there before us and we were the only guests that evening, so they didn’t want to go through the process of getting the kitchen going again). The food was good, and we enjoyed some wine with it. Speaking of Wine… they have a tradition on Sundays called “Emptying the Cellar” wherein they have reduced prices on all or most of their wine. We talked to the manager about the ghost story in the room we had booked (room 6) that was haunted by the founder, Charlotte. We spent the rest of the evening playing Gin Rummy with the manager and the cook (who are married) and drinking 5 bottles of wine. A family from Oregon came through and we ended up singing Christmas carols in the parlor as the wife/mother of that family played on the piano. That evening Josh puked on my pants. I mention it because I told him I would (and it dominated conversation the next day).

We drove back to Monterey very hung-over, and then I got back to Oroville around 10 pm. The next day was business as normal.

I had a great time on the trip, and being drunk in the parlor of Hotel Charlotte with Josh, I felt genuine happiness, like all was right with the world.

Last Thursday I went to meditation again, brought another friend with me. It was mainly new people, so the leader of the ceremony spoke a bit on how things worked, and the actual “lesson” or talking after the ceremony was regarding death and endings, and how they can be a part of the healing process.

Friday evening I have a long car ride down to Berkeley with yet another friend of mine. We end up talking about life, our goals, and our satisfaction with existence as a whole. Over the course of the discussion he points out a few things, most notably being that I’m at odds with myself when it comes to what I want.

The next evening, my father has a heart attack. I find out Sunday morning and visit him in the hospital. It’s drizzling and the sky is depressingly grey, but my dad is in good spirits, considering, and he looks normal as he lay in the hospital bed, save for the tubes and monitors and millions of wires hooked up to him. He’s doing well and should be back home tonight.

I reflect on this today, Yule, the shortest day of the year and the day that the sun finishes off its parabola and starts rising earlier again. Today is a day of death and rebirth, endings and beginnings, and holds a spiritual significance to dirty pagans like myself.

To stagnate in life is to die, and a house divided against itself cannot stand. I may want to continue living life carefree as I was when I was 16, but I think that I can get what I need in that department and still live harmoniously with my other drive, that for stability and security.

The truth is I want to settle, and I want to settle on my own terms. I want my dad to have a grandchild to meet before anything else happens to him.

I have reconciled some drives in my life and I think that, rather than working against eachother, they can be combined into something better. I think I might just be an adult now.

To hell with the Gregorian calendar. Happy New Year, everyone.